An Hour of Life

 

 

 

(photo credits: Karen Nedivi)

This post is not a day in the life, it’s just an hour. It was a well picked hour. Many other hours look more tumultuous, but I love what my friend Karen captured. After looking at all of the shots I realized Charlie is smiling! (I’ve been mildly stressing over this milestone since her pediatrician asked me on Tuesday, wondering if I have a serious child on my hands.) Maybe I just have to start watching.

I’m so glad we did this. The days are going by too quickly, and I know pretty soon they will be hazier in my memory.  In this hour, I’ll remember the Hey Diddle Diddle mobile she studies intently and Evan’s growing curiosity with his baby sister. And I’ll remember how incredibly precious an hour can be~

Why Previvor Stories Matter

There has been so much going on in the last 6 weeks.  I’ve become a mama (again)

and now I’m navigating a new journey with two young children.

There are moments which humble me.  I wonder how other moms make it through the day, and there are moments I am so grateful to be exactly where I am in the chaos of it all.

This morning I watched the (super) early morning news while feeding my daughter at 4 am.  The headline story was Angelina Jolie sharing her decision to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy after learning she carried the BRCA-1 (breast cancer) gene.  Despite being half-asleep, this jolted me awake quicker than a triple espresso.  For me, this is BIG news.  She might be the most well-known woman to date who shares my story.  This month the BRCA gene has been brought to the forefront again with the Supreme Court hearing the lawsuit against Myriad over whether a company can patent the breast cancer gene and now Angelina Jolie’s op-ed piece in the New York Times.

This blog started in the weeks following my own prophylactic bilateral mastectomy on July 16, 2009.  But my story with breast cancer started long before.  I was 16 when my mother had breast cancer.  In my early 20s, the advice I received from a doctor was to have babies early and ovaries out when I asked about my cancer risk.  By 26, I was having annual mammographies and sonograms for cystic breasts.  At 29, I watched my mom battle Stage 3 ovarian cancer in the months before I was married.  At 31, I learned of my own genetic status  (BRCA-2 positive) a decade shy of my mother’s breast cancer diagnosis 15 years before.  

I initially chose surveillance after learning I was BRCA-2 positive.  However in the following months, several suspicious malignancies were found by ultrasound and MRI.  I held my breath until I had the results from every subsequent biopsy – (all 3 were benign).  By Christmas 2008, I told my husband I was ready to cut them off.

This was a process.  I started the new year meeting with an oncologist, breast surgeon, and psychologist.  Couples counseling was a prerequisite to surgery.  Stress and uncertainty marked this period, and my relationship with my husband grew in unexpected ways.  He urged me to go to the FORCE (Facing Our Risk Cancer Empowered) conference where I met women who had undergone surgeries.  I felt divinely guided at the conference with every conversation and chance encounter to the excellent doctors who performed my procedure (one-step nipple sparing) all the way through my navigation with insurance.

I became vulnerable in unfamiliar ways.  I was used to supporting others, and I now needed to rest and be supported.  I slowed down.  It was a period of learning to wait, where I could feel myself coming undone like a wall being prepped before painted.  My undoing allowed for true healing of my mind, body, and soul.

With each person who comes out of the BRCA closet and shares a story, we change the future faces of breast cancer.   Since I learned of my BRCA-2 status, I have met and spoken with hundreds of women who are also previvors (as opposed to survivors).  Thank you Angelina Jolie for courageously choosing to share your previvor story with the world.  Our stories matter.  They bring awareness and light to those places of uncertainty.

My BRCA story does not end here.  It’s a non-linear story that keeps on going, with more doctor’s appointments and a surgery in the upcoming months.  My story matters.  It may be another person’s life force.  That’s reason enough to keep them coming…

Choosing a Nesting Journey

In the days before meeting a new child, moms (and moms to be) become slightly batty.  I stare at cleaning products in ways I have not since I scrubbed the garage floor days before my son’s birth.  The time is coming and I’m choosing to nest in my own way, in addition to the traditional: (i.e., baby supplies, shopping lists, meals, and nursery decor).

With the birth of my son, everything was new and uncertain.  This time around, I’m wondering whether this might also be my last birth journey.  It’s a different experience wanting to capture this sacred time before it is quickly replaced by the hazy baby joys ahead.

Last night I experienced the beauty of aquatic Watsu therapy.  I recently befriended a Watsu therapist who invited me to her heated pool to ease my pregnancy pains.  A few weeks ago it sounded like a nice idea, but by this weekend I was officially stalking her.  I thought non-stop about her warm pool, and my aching legs were crying out for something more than a 5-minute massage from Mike.  I wish I could have captured the experience with pictures because it was wordless.  I was cradled by her while feeling completely free in the water.  I wondered if this is what being in the womb felt like, why would any baby want to leave?  With the baby floating and stretching inside, we shared this gorgeous experience where I felt totally at peace with everything to come.

Tonight there was the belly cast.  It was something my art teacher/friend had encouraged me to create on my last trip to her studio closer to the baby’s arrival.  I was on a mission tonight to actually do it (thank you to my husband/plasterer) in case it became a past regret with the passing of days.

To top it off, I have had an obsession with mandalas which started this weekend.  I don’t know why mandalas, or how this even came into my consciousness, but they are finding me everywhere.  My friend (the Watsu therapist) asked what I’d use as a focal point during labor.  I shared my new desire to create a birth mandala, and knew instinctively it’s meant to support the baby’s entrance to the world.

I sought out more information about creating mandalas at the local metaphysical book store.  The owner guided me towards some resources and put a moon shadow stone in my hand as a gift.  (This was the third gemstone I received as a gift this week.  I’m loving the sharing of healing energy, and I’ll take all of the good ju-ju I can get.)

I have not yet written about my experience with energy from gemstones and what transpired in the weeks before leaving New Jersey and coming to Ojai, but there was another inspired experience here where I chose these stones: rose quartz, amazonite, and carnelian.

I carried them for a month, with a strong desire to create a birth necklace mixing all of the energy from their individual elements.  It wasn’t until I discovered the perfect shop in Santa Barbara that everything fell into place.

So what does the journey look like tomorrow?  There is still a mandala to paint, a full moon meditation to attend, along with all of the normal things that come when the nesting instinct takes over (i.e., toilet bowls to clean and baby laundry to be washed and organized) although the routine trips to the pediatrician and a toddler’s haircut will also take precedence.  And in between it all, maybe there will be a new baby arriving too.  Just saying~

When Sleep Stops

I know it’s getting closer to the arrival of our little one when I begin waking up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep.  I like to think it’s my body’s way of preparing me for night-time feedings and adjust to sleep deprivation in the months ahead.  Here is what I’ve been up to when the sleep stops…

Discovering new blogs for inspiration.  Some of my favorites this week:

• I could spend all day reading here…
• And here
• Absolutely love her style
• Seeing this birth story in pictures and gorgeous day in the life with baby shots has my mind buzzing with what’s to come

Some other great posts from the week:

• Laughed so hard reading this one 
• Cried with this post and even harder with this video
• Truly inspired by what she is creating here

Then there’s Pinterest!  Before I woke up (at 3:30 am!) I was dreaming in pins.  Has that ever happened to anyone else?  Am I sensing a new addiction here?

Our family went to San Diego this weekend.  I spent the drive down pinning, and the drive home trying not to lose my mind with demands for the Mickey Mouse Hot Dog song on repeat followed by the question, “Do you like… (cats, wolves, sting rays, bears, turtles, nice ghosts, tigers, jelly, peanut butter, chocolate cookies, ketchup, mustard, mayo, blue lollipops, palm trees, me, etc.)?” from Evan for the last 2 hours of the trip.

Other highlights from the trip:

perfect sunset – Cardiff by the Sea

watching the cousins play

Window shopping at my favorite stores on Cedros in Solana Beach.  Leaping Lotus had too many great finds, and I had to go back the next day after staring longingly at pictures from my Saturday wish list:

pillow love

pillow love – and eventual purchases

First piece of clothing I bought for our little girl…

I’m still kicking myself for not buying this one for my writing desk.

SoLo - love this store, but my shopping experience was cut short…

I’m definitely in nesting mode.  I found myself staring at cleaning products today (which is beyond strange for those who know me), and I can’t seem to stop pinning cute nursery ideas.  So far I’m collecting things little by little, but will post better pictures once it comes together.

Here’s to a better night sleep tonight!  Sweet dreams~

A Day in the Life

Today marks another Day in the Life post.  I loved this the first time I tried it and it became an exercise in presence.  I discovered joy taking pictures of the ordinary, loving each photo for its story.  It was a year ago when I first captured a day of my life.  I was home from work (reminded me how I LOVED not working Mondays).  My son had a double ear infection.  It was a crisp sunny day in February, and we went to the park after the pediatrician’s office.  I never thought much of the day while it was happening, but in retrospect it is a day I would love to experience again.  I would love to hear what a 17-month-old Evan said.  I would love to cuddle with my 16-year-old dog Journey for just 15 minutes more…

Screen saver shot where I’m hanging with Journey in the days pre-motherhood

Here is what I realized looking at that day.  There was so much to be grateful for, but I failed to see it in the moment.  I often complained about our non-child friendly-roomy-enough home.  I now miss the comforts of home I didn’t recognize at the time.  There was furniture I liked, toys Evan just discovered, and the blessed mess of the day-to-day telling our family story.

The character Emily (Our Town) delivers this monologue after returning to a day in her life.  It stayed with me today while taking my pictures.

Our Town
written by Thornton Wilder

Emily: Oh, Mama, look at me one minute as though you really saw me. Mama, fourteen years have gone by. I’m dead. You’re a grandmother, Mama! Wally’s dead, too. His appendix burst on a camping trip to North Conway. We felt just terrible about it – don’t you remember? But, just for a moment now we’re all together. Mama, just for a moment we’re happy. Let’s really look at one another!…I can’t. I can’t go on.It goes so fast. We don’t have time to look at one another. I didn’t realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Take me back — up the hill — to my grave. But first: Wait! One more look. Good-bye , Good-bye world. Good-bye, Grover’s Corners….Mama and Papa. Good-bye to clocks ticking….and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new ironed dresses and hot baths….and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth,you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it–every, every minute?

Stage Manager: No. (pause) The saints and poets, maybe they do some.

Emily: I’m ready to go back.

I love Instagram which takes pictures to a new level with fun filters and playing with light.

Morning starts

7:00 am: Rise & Shine

8:30 am – morning writing

8:30 am – while the artist colors nice monsters

8:45 am – wants to wear my maternity jeans

10:00 am – playing chase with Daddy

Driveway art

11:15 am – messy playgroup at the park

12:30 pm – lunch dessert – berries with fresh whip cream (made by Mike). A pregnant woman’s dream…

1:00 pm – nap time

1:15 pm – belly shots after lunch, pre-shower. (I grow with every meal).

1:45 pm: self portrait taking in 80 degree afternoon sun outside

1:45 pm – taking in the view

2:57 pm blogging

4:05 pm – Mike’s exercise

walking next door to visit Grammy & Gramps

happy hour

afternoon tractor ride with Grampy O and Cosimo

7:45 pm – false bat alarm. Only a bird

7:55 pm – bath time

8:00 pm – bathtub swim

8:20 pm – bedtime stories

8:25 silly faces

9:25 pm – TV time

So whether you are on a 40-day journey towards motherhood or not right now, I recommend taking pictures from your own day in the life.  Allow the photos to remind you of what was happening in this moment.  And maybe in time, you will see the hidden treasures you would give anything to experience again~

40 Day Journeys…

Sometimes I’m not sure what I want to write about.  My ideas are percolating, but they feel abstract.  I lose my words.  These are the times I excavate old journals to remember.

Sometimes this is what my writing really looks like…

I am roughly 40 days away from the arrival of our second child.  Life is changing again as I know it, and I’ve been re-reading my journals from the weeks before becoming a mom looking for new clues the second time around.  I gave away the pregnancy books.  I no longer subscribe to weekly emails about what size my child is by fruit anymore.  I resisted “what to expect/countdown lists” in both pregnancies.  I choose to savor my lasts before celebrating more firsts.

During this second time of gestation, I’m enjoying the transition before the arrival of our newest family member.  And so the ideas continue to percolate, as this next 40-day journey unfurls~

Choosing to Unravel the year ahead

It took me a little bit longer this year.  January was busy with tying up loose ends at work, preparing for a cross country move, and countless doctor’s visits.  So happy to report a week after arriving here in Ojai, we made it!!!  More accurately, 2/3 of us are here, not counting my baby bump.  I still have a husband who is driving our packed Subaru of earthly treasures we could not part with for the next 4 months through New Orleans as I type.   (And I’m crossing my fingers some of my old journals made the cut!)

I’m so grateful to be here, especially for the time and space to create what is next.  I was feeling incomplete as 2012 ended with more change than I ever imagined when I set out to write my intentions for the coming year on a beautiful New Year’s Day 2012.  (Again, those journals would help me here, but these are  images from 1/1/12 I’m holding onto: )

last family picture with the 4 of us

my favorite picture of the year

New Breezy Point home – (11 months pre-Sandy) 1/1/12

Love this picture of Greg, Janie, & Libby

New Year’s 2012 was a spectacular 50 degree day; a rarity in January.  I soaked it in, wanting to capture the day’s essence- planning a new year which would captivate this kind of day.  I remember being jealous of my friend who was writing out her intentions for 3 hours – (she has no children).  Three hours of uninterrupted writing was a dream for me, but a 15-month old Evan cooperated that afternoon, and I wrote a few thoughts in my journal (wishing it was here now…)  Maybe I wrote about wanting to hold onto the feeling of beauty and family.  Maybe I wrote about knowing some changes were ahead: working less hours to have more time to create, freeing myself from debt, finding an answer to “where should we live?”  Only time (and that journal entry) will tell.

Instead, these photos are my memories of 2012.  I recently completed Susannah Conway’s Unraveling the Year Ahead.  For all of you other late bloomers to 2013, I would still HIGHLY recommend her free resource.  It brought me such gratitude honoring my journey over the past 12 months.

Vision board for 2012 – created during Tama Kieves’ retreat at the Open Center

picking out Valentine’s Day cards – 2012

Malibu with friends – planting of California seeds

My Timeless Gratitude Workshop

picture from one of our first night in June as Breezy Point residents

my last adult weekend at Revel in AC. The fancy drinks pool-side and sink did this baby good!

my guys

one of my last morning walks with Journey to the promenade

bird feathers = reminders of Journey

the fascination of gnomes began here

my ride and his chariot

watching him play

Accountability buddies masterminding in the city

an hour alone on the beach on a September weekday afternoon

Ashes and shells

we found and planted Magic Wands: (one for him, me, and Dad)

Home

best buds

painting

what was left in Breezy Point after the fire – post-Sandy

fun in capes

cousins dancing

hanging with the gnomies

Heath’s shower – a year of celebration with good friends

 

sign when returning to Breezy for belongings

Gaga and her babies

Here are some of my own unravelings about 2012…

My word for 2012: UNENCUMBERED - letting go of physical possessions, our home, responsibilities, debt, creating space for what I want and de-cluttering

What did I embrace in 2012?

• living with uncertainty
• making the most of the present moment
• readjusting plans as needed
• learning that nothing is forever, nothing is permanent
• truly embracing change

What did I let go of in 2012?

• living life on automatic (becoming conscious with all big decisions)

What did I discover about myself in 2012?

I am way more adaptable than I give myself credit for.  I can easily go with the flow and plan/adjust as needed.

So watch out 2013 because the word that keeps coming up is CREATE/BIRTH.  So many wonderful things already, and new things to come.  I am so ready for this journey~

How about you?  I’d love to hear your words for 2013.  Won’t you come and unravel with me?