Yesterday would have been the 28th day of my blog affair. But last night I wasn’t feeling it. I was wiped out and fell asleep beside my son before 9 pm.
I thought to myself: “It’s okay, just post something in the morning. Besides, you really don’t have anything to say tonight and you would be forcing it. Nobody is going to miss you! (Really).” That was the mistaken voice of reason. It was really my voice of mediocrity, and I’m frustrated it won out. When I chose to begin a blog affair last month, I made it easy to show up; a post could be a picture, a poem, or a quote instead of feeling like it had to be the most meaningful thing I ever wrote.
I almost posted a picture last night. How easy it could have been to do this:
Or this…
Or even this…
I may sound hard on myself, but it’s not about the post. It’s about the meaning behind the post. I am proud of just showing up here every day. It has not been easy. I had to find time to blog on some full days. I changed my writing area from a desk in the living room, to a desk in my bedroom so I could write while my son took hour long baths. Despite his temporarily pruny fingers and toes, my blogging became an affair of the heart. I started to fall in love with my blog again. I began to think about it, rather than feeling guilty for not thinking about it. I began to write faster, and get out of my head, releasing the need for approval and feelings of judgment, because I didn’t have the time. I was off to the next post.
And every time I sat down to write, I’d think I have absolutely nothing worth writing about (and even more prevalent: people are getting so SICK of me writing this much, just stop already).
There are many creative lessons I’m taking from this journey. There is magic when I show up, especially in the face of resistance. There is inspiration in committing to something. I am seeing common themes with undoing which is so needed in my life right now, along with the biggest message in the book I’m writing. I’ve regained integrity by doing what I said I’d do (with the exception of last night where I lost a piece of my own integrity too). As writers, we can re-purpose writing! So much of what’s been posted would have probably died in my draft box if I was not looking for something to share.
So for the next two nights, I’m getting back on the horse again. There is an even bigger lesson from last night which I’m still sitting with this evening. We never get the day back. Things become too much to make up the next day, which is why procrastination gets heavier.
We always get to choose again.
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“I started to fall in love with my blog again. I began to think about it, rather than feeling guilty for not thinking about it.” This has been the greatest lesson you have offered to me, Ellen. Writing my blog is for no one but myself. It is that place for me to fall in love with my writing, my voice and my photos.
I remember when I first started blogging this is secretly why I did it. But I didn’t know that. I thought I was in search of fame. But the truth was I was trying to find my writing voice. I was very committed to writing regularly. And I found blogging friends who wrote for all different reasons. The blogs to which I was most attracted were the blogs that were trying to solve an internal dilemma.
Sometimes the dilemma was a simple as tracing the growth of a babies maturation from birth to age 1. Sometimes it was out of depression. Or a relationship. I was interested in puzzles.
Finding your voice is compelling to me. Perhaps because I am interested in my own. And I love mandalas. And any yellow brick road has allure. 🙂
Thanks for forgiving yourself.
Thanks for writing again.
This helps me.
Thank you for sharing Rebecca: ) why do I just marinate your thoughts each time you share? Totally agree: we all blog for different reasons. And the blogs I’m drawn to as well are ones that just give a little brief glimpse of our lives. Blogs are such a powerful way to find & continue to rediscover our voices. I have so much more to say about the yellow brick road and mandalas too. Thank you for reminding me…