It’s Okay Not to Share and other parenting lessons

Today I went to Barnes and Noble. This was my first trip to a Barnes and Noble since October (the closest one is 25 miles away). In my former life, I would hunt down Barnes and Nobles whenever I got an unexpected break in my day. After becoming a mom, there was no greater joy than sitting in the cafe with a stack of books and magazines, knowing I could never possibly digest the goodies in front of me in the short amount of time I often discovered.

I am truly a kid in a candy shop at Barnes and Noble. A friend just posted this, and I can so relate.

I would take books over shoes any day.

But back to my books today, I was really called to explore some of the conversations coming up around motherhood. Maybe because I’m so enmeshed in it right now. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling extra pressure like I have to “get it right” since I started facilitating a parenting group, occasionally feeling like a fraud because I only get it right 30% of the time myself. Maybe it’s because I’m going through Mama Bliss Coaching school right now, and taking a course on Creating Magical Days with my children, but feel guilty for the need to escape them in order to create. I imagined myself writing and creating with children in tow, and now that they are here, I’m spending my time away from them looking for answers in the mindful-parenting book stacks of Barnes and Noble instead of in their presence.

I skimmed through all of the books on my table, but the one which spoke to me the most was Heather Shumaker’s It’s Okay Not to Share. It’s a revolutionary approach to parenting I became familiar with last year when my son was 2.5 years old and we had just moved to Ojai. I enrolled him in the toddler class at the Nan Tolbert Nurturing Center, just wanting to establish a routine and get out of the house for a few hours in the morning so my husband could work in peace, and my son would take a good afternoon nap. I never expected to learn anything in a parenting group, thinking I had it all together working with children 0 -3 years old for the past 10 years.

(The universe has a funny way of playing practical jokes on the people who need it most).

The lessons I’ve received are really big, as in life changing kinds of things not only to how I parent, but releasing the need to please others and control a situation. (HUGE for me!) *I need to put a caveat here – I still manage to get it wrong more times than I probably get it right, although my awareness is growing. I’m aware of what happens to my insides when my son has a meltdown over sharing. I’m more adept at holding big toddler emotions without getting sucked into them. I sit back and wait when the urge to fix arises allowing my son to come up with solutions.

Many of the issues with parenting come back to a feeling of being judged. Is that other mother waiting for my son to apologize? What do family members think of me as a parent when my son melts down and I don’t punish him? I am not only aware of his prickly emotions, but mine too. I notice my thoughts before going into an automatic reaction mode. This self awareness in regards to parenting has been eye opening and continues to be a work in progress as I continue to grow into motherhood with its ever-changing seasons.

I wanted to give you a sneak preview of the book I found most interesting: It’s Okay Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Compassionate and Competent Kids. I loved the different chapters outlined as 29 lessons which truly spoke to my parenting questions.

1. Don’t steal play.

2. It’s okay if it’s not hurting people or property.

3. Kids need conflict.

4. All feelings are okay, but behavior isn’t.

5. Let kids hit and kick.

6. I hate you is nothing personal.

7. Take dictation from your tot.

8. Go ahead and let him hate the baby.

9. It’s okay not to share.

10. Let her hog that toy all day.

11. We’re not all friends here.

12. You can’t play – A-ok.

13. Hang up a No Girls sign.

14. Take rejection in stride.

15. Ban chairs, not tag.

16. Give kids power.

17. Only punch friends.

18. Bombs, guns, and bad guys allowed.

19. Boys can wear tutus.

20. Pictures don’t have to be pretty.

21. Paint off the paper.

22. Stop saying good job.

23. Kids don’t have to say sorry.

24. Let your kid swear.

25. Love your kid’s lies.

26. Sex ed starts in preschool.

27. Be buddies with dead birds.

28. Make some enemies at the playground.

29. Goof up.

Are there some on the list which resonate more with you? I’d love to hear so I can narrow down this list rather than writing 29 more blog posts on this topic: ) On a side note, I am excited to be 22 days into my 30 day blogging love affair. So many lessons have come up over the past 3 weeks which are creating something else in the making…

 

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Lessons about Resistance from the Coffee House and the War of Art

Last week while writing and working on this post at the coffee house, I heard eavesdropped during a coaching session next to me. The coach was working with a client, but his words were for me too; especially about resistance, over-achieving/over-ambition, goal setting, procrastination, and working under pressure. (Point of reference: I am writing this post at 11:00 pm on Sunday evening, when I’d love to write my posts first thing in the morning to beat Resistance down and get on with my day, rather than growing tired from procrastination).

“A rebel knows how to use resistance as a convincing tool.”

Over-achieving and over-ambition comes from a place of insecurity. It’s not sustainable.

So my recommendation for goals: write down your list of what you need to accomplish. Keep it simple. Keep it short. Don’t try to over-accomplish all at once. 

I crave procrastination to force me into feeling a sense of pressure. Pressure forces me to overcompensate.

Fix it with a ritual. Every day I sit down and I do this amount of work…

Always include the most important thing in your days…

Procrastination with pressure creates a narrow amount of room for production. You have to fit enough through a narrow hole.

This conversation was like an essay from the War of Art battling insidious resistance as it creeps in to kill dreams. God I love this book – and think every essay applies to me, (and to anyone else who’s ever been up to the work of making their dreams a reality).

Go introduce yourself….

It’s time to get to work.

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Choosing to Re-purpose

I have a virtual writing group with some lovely women. We haven’t connected (as an entire group) in 9-months, but will be coming together again this week. The last time we spoke was weeks after my second baby arrived, (in the early morning hours since I am on PST). As much as I loved my writing tribe, it became a struggle for me to show up with life changing and adjusting to new babyhood.

I’m learning that’s the period of my life right now. Just when I think I have a new routine down, everything changes in an instant.

The last time our group spoke, I wanted to be writing more. However, I was also aware of how I sabotaged my maternity leave with my son feeling like I wasn’t doing “enough” creatively. I could barely write. I actually had carpal tunnel during that time which made the physical aspect of writing as difficult as the mental, wondering how creative mothers did anything? During my early days of new motherhood, I expected to write a book. I imagined my maternity leave to be a sabbatical, rather than recognizing what it was; the time to birth myself as a mother and connect with my new baby, adjusting in our cocoon before figuring out the realities of who we were as we entered the world together.

“I want to write about this time and capture it all,” I told the group. One woman pointed out as writers we live twice. There is a period for sensualizing and there is a period for synthesizing. New babyhood was purely sensual. “Notice the moonlight while you feed your baby girl. Take in her smell and the feeling of her body as she is nuzzled on your shoulder.”

I just found some notes reminding me of this conversation in an old journal. We spoke of re-purposing material and looking through what we had for multiple uses. I am tired tonight, and had a few ideas of what I might like to blog about, without the creative mojo needed to push me through. (All I wanted to do was post a picture of our new family member – our goldfish Mr. Goofbot).

Instead something drew me back to an old journal for ideas and I found musings which may be composted and re-purposed accordingly. I love the metaphor of re-purposing not only for writing, but for life. And so tonight, before going to bed with the word and thoughts lingering in my mind, I’m considering what may be cultivated tomorrow…

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Writing Selfies (aka Structuring the Amorphous and Circumlocutions)

When I go to the coffee shop I feel like a real writer. I dress up. I take off my mom yoga/running uniform and put on the jeans (who am I kidding they are not technically jeans with a button and fly, but really post-baby jeggings), a blouse, my brown boots, and a colorful beaded necklace since I don’t have a 10-month old who will tug on it today.

Here at the coffee shop, I am in the company of writers (and coaches from their conversations – but this is a blog post for tomorrow. The coach next to me just asked the question: “What stories, beliefs, and decisions no longer represent who I am?” This could have been my blog post from yesterday).

As I show up regularly, I’m seeing familiar faces. I’m a natural observer like my baby girl, constantly taking in the world to make sure we are not missing out on anything. I don’t only look, but I listen too (okay, I’m totally eavesdropping today, that’s how I realized a coaching conversation was going on next to me). Dialogue is my background music when I’m writing. I discover synchronicity in others’ conversations which parallel my writing circumlocutions.

My word of the day is CIRCUMLOCUTION: cir·cum·lo·cu·tion  (sûr′kəm-lō-kyo̅o̅′shən)

n.

1. The use of unnecessarily wordy and indirect language.

2. Evasion in speech or writing.

3. A roundabout expression.

Circumlocution is a word thrown around in speech therapy. “Eliminating circumlocution in 4 out of 5 conversations” might be a goal for a patient with a right-hemisphere stroke or a school-aged child with word-finding issues speaking in nondescript “this” and “that” language. (Which makes me wonder: is my right hemisphere intact since I tend to do this so easily?) I circumlocuted in my writing, eavesdropping more than 20% of the time, especially when writing close to my heart.

“They come wanting to hear something important and interesting,” the older man says to the woman next to me who is giving a workshop later that evening. “What we give them is more amorphous.”

I think the word AMORPHOUS might relate to my circumlocutions in some way. I scribble down the words he speaks in between hugging the woman goodbye.

AMORPHOUS a·mor·phous  (ə-môr′fəs)

adj.

1. Lacking definite form; shapeless. See Synonyms at shapeless.

2. Of no particular type; anomalous.

3. Lacking organization; formless.

4. Lacking distinct crystalline structure.

My writing now feels amorphous and full of circumlocutions. I’ve been writing for the past 3 hours, which seems to be my limit when my brain becomes mushy. I begin with the notes in my journals, re-working my first chapter, outlining future chapters as I see how a sentence or thought might better carry a theme.  I’m constantly adding and revising the story. The more I show up here, at my table in the coffee shop, the more I see the connections (or my circumlocutions) becoming less amorphous.I think it’s okay that I don’t know right now. There is still more to uncover. Writing this book is more like an archaeological dig finding meaning in the amorphisms. I told former writing groups my book was written already, it just needs to be formatted. I give structure to my circumlocutions – making them less amorphous.

I am interrupted by a woman staring at me and I meet her gaze. Another circumlocution.

“I’m amazed at how you can type and not even look at what you’re doing,” she says to me.

I have heard this before. I take my typing skills for granted. I probably push 70 wpm, out-typing some court reporters. It’s a talent I rarely acknowledge and doesn’t garner attention because I mostly do it alone (except in coffee shops when I’m transcribing conversations next to me). I like being a fast-typer. It comes with the practice of writing.

“The most valuable class I took in high school was my elective typing class.” This is meant to be a joke, but might not be for a writer.

I type without looking. I’m going for more than my 1000 words today. I’m recognizing the gift of structuring these amorphous circumlocutions and taking selfies while I do it.

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Choosing A 30-Day Blogging Journey

Is anyone else beating themselves up feeling like they have fallen off of a New Year’s resolution wagon (yet again) this year??? For 2014, I have some pretty big plans. In fact, some of them feel so big I have become extremely conscious of my time. For those of you who know me, I have a (past?) bad habit of over-committing to activities which are appealing in the moment (I see you nodding and chuckling!)

I have one of those: I am so sick of seeing this resolution that if it is on my list again next year I will totally chop off my hair! Yes, the kind of feeling I need to ignite my inner coach who gives me a kick in the pants, shouting: “Just stop whining about it already and DO it!!!!”

I’ve been quiet here on the blog. I’ve been writing elsewhere, and it feels like a secret love affair away from this more public place which is now visited by more people than just my mother.

So here it is: the resolution which will not be there again in 2015. I will write and FINISH my book about choosing my own journey with the BRCA gene. Whoa! I feel like I just got a load off my chest (pun intended) sharing that here.

I had an eye-opening experience when I spoke with my visionary Mastermind tribe earlier this month. I shared how I enjoy the clients I’m coaching. I shared my plans for group programs and retreats. I shared the speech opportunities which are appealing as my own boss. I shared my desire to facilitate a class at a local birth center. I shared how motherhood has its own pace currently having 2 days a week to make all this happen. And then I shared that always on the back burner, remains the book, and it doesn’t want to go away. When asked to choose my biggest dream for this year, it was seeing my (finished) book in my hands by next December.

It’s a messy, raw, and personal story. I don’t like who I am when the book begins. It sometimes gets to be too much, and I need to step away remembering there is something healing happening as I own all of my journey. It’s the story of the road I had to get through to come to this exact moment as I wrestle with my writing demons and decide to put my hands to the keyboard.

I am sick of my whining, and waiting until next year. The only way for me to relieve this discomfort is to write. (It’s obviously not going away without it). The story has been written and re-written for the past 4 years, but took a new format earlier this month. Some days it’s coming out like a spigot. Others, like I’m sponging up wet spots on the counter. But the story has a power of its own, coming so quickly my fast typing hands cramp after hours sitting at the neighborhood coffee shop. I move from chronos to kairos time, where it stands still and I find my subconscious totally entangled making connections I never saw before. I can’t consume enough caffeine to write long enough. Yes, it’s become a torrid affair ripping me away from my family where all I crave is time alone and time to write, but once I get it – I’m a better mom at the end of the day.

In committing to my love affair with this book, I wanted to be conscious about my time on this blog. And being away from this space for the past month has felt disconnected, like I was losing touch with a friend who I really love and adore. I WANT to step back into this relationship. And just like a relationship that’s been neglected, it seems a little bit awkward. I am tripping over my words and editing and re-writing more than I normally do. There are moments during the day when I’ve thought of posting, but have not been sure of what to say since too much time has passed. Yes, I’m seeing my blog as an abandoned old friend who needs a little love too.

The only way I know to unblock creatively myself is to show up with baby steps.

I read this post of Flora Bowley’s which is highlighted in Somerset Studio’s current issue about Falling in Love with Your Blog in 30 Days.

I totally agree. The only way I can re-commit to my blog is by treating it like a love affair (just call me a writing mistress). There will probably not be the same 1000 words going into my book – but maybe a picture, or a memory, or a conversation – just something to get the conversation started again.

So even though I am scared of this commitment, I have fallen flat with far too many 30 day challenges to count – I’m committing to post something every day until February 19th. Warning: it might be raw, and not well-edited, and most likely a little rambling – but it’ll be here.

I’m not ready to give up my blog because of my book. Call my poly-amorous with my writing – I just want to cultivate my current journey too while continuing to step back into the past, to remain conscious of the unfolding present moments too.

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choose to blog from the heart

I am super excited about this next month.  Just a quick post about what I’ve been up to, and what’s on the horizon:

Treated myself to an awesome Mother’s Day gift:

My Mother’s Day Gift to myself & this journey

Today was the first day of our official e-course, and I’m already fired up from the creative energy and connections.  Love that so many classmates are across the pond(!!!) and blogging from the heart is a common bond.  Woo-hoo to my new friends in the blogosphere.  I’m looking forward to this journey with you~

*And BTW:  my favorite blogs are:

• Kelly Rae Roberts – total inspiration with art & the creative life.  Our sons were born days apart, and I relied on her posts last year as medicine for my new-mama soul.
• Zen Habits – inspires me to keep going smaller – (living, clutter, debt, etc.)
• Momastery – stepping back, slowing down, and focusing up.  This woman is a walking saint on earth.  She just raised $80k in 50 hours for 2 moms in need.  She is a love enroller like no other!
• Design Mom – I have total envy with this mom.  6 kids, lived in NYC, and coordinated a move to Normandy (check out her HGTV House Hunters episode).  She does motherhood with easy breezy style.  And with 6 kids!  I can barely get through my emails with 1 child.
• Awakening Artistry – Tama Kieves is an incredible coach and mentor.  I love this woman and her essays and work speaks to my soul.
• Mileposts in the Distance – my cousin Laura writes a guest post here.  She is a great writer, and I enjoy her insight about the mileposts in her 50th year.  (And her consistency with weekly posts inspires me to keep coming back.)
• Danielle LaPorte – She is a fire-starter.  Totally loving her new book right now.  It’s with me constantly.  This woman just rocks!  Can I be her for a day?

Released some books:

I googled “letting go of books” and found 2 great blog posts I wanted to share here and here.

Other than the how-tos mentioned above, the coolest thing about these posts was realizing there are other people like me!

Why minimalist living when I want a growing family?   Why a smaller space rather than bigger/better/more?  I don’t know. I’m just looking at what brings me peace. In the present moment, thinking about letting go feels freeing while thinking of buying a home feels binding.

I have shared about my love of books. I could easily have a library in my house.  Did I need to buy 4 more books on Amazon the other night(?!?)  (Except they are juicy: at least Danielle LaPorte’s Fire Starter Sessions, which I am devouring: )

This helped me with my most daunting moving task yet:

Step 1: I grouped my books by genre. I have TONS of books on spirituality, writing, and art.  Any book with the word “soul”  is on my bookshelf.   I have no problems letting go of fiction, unless it is Margaret Atwood.

Step 2: I realized I’m holding onto the promise of what each book promotes: 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women (what if I forget one?), Awaken the Giant Within (if I never read it, will it lie dormant forever?), the Half-Lived Life (ugh, I so don’t want one of those, etc.)

Step 3: I wrote what each book represented to me on an index card. As I did this, I wanted to give some away to friends & family who I thought would enjoy them.

Step 4: I put the books in piles for the new recipients.

Step 5: I’ve made house calls.  There have been lots of smiles & gratitude surrounding these old books.  I’m creating good energy rather than allowing it to remain tucked inside the unopened pages in a storage unit.

Next up…

Organizing a clothing swap this weekend with some of my favorite ladies!  I can not wait.

Also…

1000 ideas for therapy/toys for babies and toddlers will be posted on my new blog: therapist2mamas.  I’m going to enjoy hanging out over there in the near future so come and visit me soon~

TTFN

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